It takes a great deal of effort to maintain a flawless shine on all our surfaces. The effort can lead to the neglect of more important things under those surfaces like ignoring the boards under the floor in order to wax the linoleum. The surface of a family and the family’s belief in that surface also takes a great deal of effort to maintain. Images of perfection, specialness and virtue are buffed and displayed in the foyer but no one is invited deeper into the home. The family decorates their faces and walls with smiles and adorns themselves with baubles of virtue. But like the convincing but wincing smiles of unhappy children the deeper truths of these virtues are misused for the sake of the surface and the family’s belief in it.
The family aims for perfecting itself and its image but “perfection” comes at a high cost. Because of the time and effort required, the family can only focus on a narrow list of things to perfect. These are the things that matter to the family. By controlling and succeeding at this list the family can feel “perfect”. If the lawn is green and evenly shorn and the roses are deeply and fully red then all is well. But everything that is not on the list doesn’t matter and can be ignored. While many of these things should be ignored, there are also the deeper things, the difficult things that the family would rather deny. The things that are not on the list threaten the family, its self-image of perfection, superiority and sense of virtue.
The family can improve its image with the ornaments of virtue. But since the family only has time for the surface of things their virtues are only skin deep. The family abuses virtues by skinning them and laying the hides over the ugly, neglected things the family is hiding. Humility dresses up timidity and feelings of worthlessness. Forgiveness justifies the avoidance of confrontation and anger. Charity is the good name of codependence and meddling; it is the good selflessness that distracts from the deeper feeling of a lack of self. Gratitude is used as a sedative for dulling any discontent in the family and quelling any questions about the discontent’s cause. Acceptance is the lesser wisdom of resignation that is applied to the things that “don’t matter” and to things the family doesn’t want to try to change. These “virtues”, along with “perfection”, allow the family to feel special and superior to others.
Perfection and superiority not only allow the family to feel good about themselves but it also provides the family with a sense of security. This is not the security of self-confidence but the safety of being insulated from others. Having an unimpeachable image keeps others at a distance because perfection is unapproachable. If the family can’t be approached then they can’t be hurt. They are always on guard for any cracks in their immaculate armor. Cracks are where others can get in and get you; faults are openings for attacks. This constant vigilance makes the family unrelatable and untouchable because cracks let others in, faults are the openings through which one is touched. Perfection, specialness and superiority make the family safe but lonely.
The perfect family, living in abundance, is alone in its garrison. Each member an armored shell watching the others and checking the windows. Hides of virtue around their shoulders and on the floor in the den, a horn of plenty in the pantry, smiling pictures on the wall. The children are told that money can’t buy happiness but when they say they are unhappy they are told to be grateful for all that they have. But what the children have is the problem: an untouchable family that has everything it wants and nothing it needs. If you look closely at the pictures on the wall everyone is smiling, everyone is grateful and everyone is on the brink of tears.
Connections to the Survival Complex:
Specialness is also a product of enmeshment.
The abused virtues are part of the family’s pleasance and denied emotions.
The abundance of stuff the family has from working so much is used as reasons for gratitude.
Explore the Survival Complex further on Miro: Survival Complex Map
(Leave a comment or DM me on Twitter with questions and suggestions.)
'If you look closely at the pictures on the wall everyone is smiling, everyone is grateful and everyone is on the brink of tears.' - Outstanding summation of your argument: a well-written and important piece!