In the last post I discussed how the persona-mask of parents can lead to a lack of relating between them and their children. And how this can cause the child to develop relationships with images instead of people.
Follow Along on Miro: Survival Complex Map on Miro
We believe that productivity and helpfulness are good but in the Survival Complex they become pathological. In the Survival Complex they are used as a source of value and meaning. The pathological forms of productivity and helpfulness are a type of narcissism and codependence.
In the Survival Complex the terms narcissism and codependence refer to people with traits of these disorders and not the full diagnosis. Narcissism here means someone who is more concerned with their needs than the needs of others and who gets their value from what they can achieve. Codependence is defined as someone who is more concerned with the needs of others than with their own. This makes a codependent and a narcissist very compatible in a pathological way.
The narcissist believes they have less value than others and tries to feel equal or better than others through work and achievement. The more they can get done the better they feel. But the good feeling from each completed task doesn’t last, it is never enough. The narcissist’s inner emptiness is bottomless and so its need to work is bottomless. They can never get enough done and so they can never get enough help. The narcissist objectifies others and sees them as implements or impediments to their goals. This either draws people in and makes them servants or drives them away.
The codependent also tries to fill their emptiness with work but it is the work of helping others. The emptiness causes the codependent to feel they have less value than others. In order to feel equal to others the codependent tries to keep others in their debt by helping them. Others may try to pay them back but paying off the debt would make the codependent less valuable again so they refuse payment and gifts and don’t ask for help. The codependent helps others in order to help themselves. They are in a constant struggle to keep others in their debt. This either draws people in and makes them dependent or drives them away.
The narcissist’s anxiety about their emptiness compels them to ask for help. This makes them a burden on others. One of the differences in the narcissist I’m describing is that they have the capacity for guilt. They know that they take advantage of others; they just can’t help themselves. Their compulsion and guilt makes them aware that they are in the codependent’s debt.
The codependent’s anxiety about their emptiness compels them to help. They lift and carry the burden of others. This keeps the codependent from feeling guilt; they are just trying to help. Their compulsion and lack of guilt makes them oblivious to themselves and the effects of their actions.
Their complementary needs cause the narcissist and codependent to form a symbiotic relationship. The narcissist needs help and the codependent needs to help. The narcissist takes advantage of the codependent by being helped and the codependent takes advantage of the narcissist by putting them into debt. The narcissist helps the codependent through its gratitude and its endless need for help. The codependent helps the narcissist with endless assistance and attendance. Each is the other’s victim but also their burden. They can never get enough of each other.
The narcissist who can feel guilt falls into the trap of the codependent. They can never pay them back because only pathological levels of help can repay pathological levels of help and the narcissist doesn’t have time to help. This gives the codependent an endless supply of value because of its martyrdom and the narcissist’s compulsion to get things done. By endlessly taking advantage of the codependent the narcissist is endlessly taken advantage of. The narcissist is helping its helper. This makes the narcissist the codependent to the codependent’s narcissism. Both are both codependent and narcissistic.