We have all bitten our tongue when we should have spoken up. Sometimes it is necessary to ignore an insult or let something irritating slide at work or in relationships. As long as there are also times of assertive action and self-defense this isn’t a problem. The problem arises if we never speak up at all or only when we lose control. When this happens the angry person can get caught in a “rage loop” that follows a process:
Irritating event
Person talks themselves out of their anger
Person says nothing
Anger increases over time
Anger erupts in rage
Person feels guilty, ashamed, wrong
Uncertainty about anger is reinforced
Next irritating event
An event happens that angers a person. Someone cuts in line or a family member leaves something out on the steps that is tripped over. The person may get irritated by this but they talk themselves out of their anger. They may tell themselves it’s not a big deal. They may use a therapeutic approach like practicing gratitude for other things in their lives. They may simply be afraid. They may also doubt whether they should even be angry at all. Whatever the reason they decide not to say anything. Over time, large and small irritations, and the person’s silence, cause their anger to build up until they erupt with rage. They may break something, say something mean or even attack someone. Whatever they do though it will be an overreaction. Afterward they feel guilty and ashamed. They may apologize but over time they cause others to withdraw from them. This outburst allows the person to calm down and re-enter their usual mode of reacting to irritations.
When the next angering event happens the person is back at the beginning of the loop. Except now the latest outburst has given them more reason to doubt their anger. They notice that whenever they do speak up they seem to alienate people. So maybe they shouldn’t say anything . “Just let it go.” And the anger begins to build again.
The problem for the person living in this loop, aside from alienating those around them, is that their original, reasonable grievance is overshadowed by their unreasonable reactions. This loop can be seen in relationships, at work and, in more extreme form, in murderers. The loop continues until the angry person steps out of it, finds themselves alone or is stopped.
A solution to the rage loop is an opposite assertive loop:
Irritating event
Person thinks about what makes them angry and how to say it
Person says something
Whether the other person changes or not just saying something helps lower anger
There is no eruption of rage
There is no guilt or shame
Person seems reasonable
Person becomes more certain about their anger
Anger has to be expressed at some point. It can either be done reasonably or unreasonably, consciously or unconsciously, but eventually it will be directed at someone.
Connections to the Survival Complex:
The Rage Loop can appear in a family as a product of the denial of emotion that is required by pleasance.
The Rage Loop is another way the narcissistic parent can alienate itself from its children and push them toward the codependent parent. This in turn makes enmeshment more likely between the codependent parent and their children.
Explore the Survival Complex further on Miro: Survival Complex Map